January sucks. There are no new movies to see, no new albums to listen to, and the first half of the month is almost devoid of interesting new game releases. It’s time to either try and finish the big games that came out late last year, like Immortals Fenyx Rising or Cyberpunk 2077, or watch the most pathetic games in spades to occupy your mind until a decent game finally comes out. That’s probably the only reason I decided to give Main Pig a chance, and I regret it.

I think a completely blank screen is nicer than it should be.

Hed the Pig is the dregs in terms of production values, gameplay, graphics, sound and, as expected, fun. In this game you control a pig, and your goal is to guide the tasty bacon through a tunnel like a nightmare, dodging obstacles until the game tells you to stop. It doesn’t make sense what’s going on: just literally support each level for a few minutes and move on to the next.

The gameplay is as shallow as a puddle, but Hed the Pig still manages to ruin it with its terrible graphics and camera angles. The short drawing distance combined with the fact that there is always a large PNG pig in the middle of the screen means that you never have enough time to see large walls and avoid them falling on you. Your pig doesn’t fly very fast either, which makes it even more annoying. You can take a few shots and there are a few bonuses scattered throughout the levels, like a temporary shield and a small health bonus, but they don’t make the game any more fun. Not at all.

You can collect shields and health bonuses, but this means you’ll be playing Hed the Pig longer than you need to.

It’s not pretty on most levels, but the later stages pile on more psychedelic nightmares. I’m still shocked that anyone would put such horror into a commercial product. These levels hurt my eyes in a way that even the 3DS’s terrible fake 3D effects couldn’t match. Even watching an episode of the anime Pokémon Porygon on YouTube wasn’t that bad, and that’s no exaggeration. Hed the Pig also has sound, but I’d be lying if I said I could pay attention to the music, or rather, the sounds recorded here.

Another thing that shocked me was the loading time of this game. I doubt Hed the Pig has the code and hardware resources, yet it took so long to load the game from the level to the main menu that I actually thought the game had somehow managed to put a chip in my switch. That would be the perfect stinky cherry on the trash heap.

What intrigues me most is why was this document published on Switch’s website? If this game were available on PS4 or Xbox One, you could say that people would buy it in bulk because games like this have silly performance requirements. That’s why Road Bustle has become much more famous and successful than it should have been: a one-dollar game for which you could easily get a platinum trophy. But Switch has no accomplishments. There is no reason for anyone to be interested in this game, even if the publishers decide to offer it at 90% off. For a few dollars a month, for example, you have access to the SNES and NES library, which offers many more opportunities for your earnings.

That plain was a sore spot for the eyes. Literally.

As expected, Hed the Pig is terrible, absolutely terrible, with terrible visuals and controls, and one of the most boring game series in recent memory. It’s a game that makes me wonder how easy it must be to get one of those Switch girls. Why it was designed and, more importantly, why it was offered for sale will remain one of the greatest mysteries of the universe. In the meantime, avoid this bad boy like the plague. Instead, take advantage of months of free access to the SNES and NES libraries.

Not only is the game poorly designed in terms of art direction (non-existent), but some of the levels literally hurt my eyes. But, hey, it runs at 60 frames per second, so it’s a plus…. Guide the pig-shaped PNG through the tunnel and avoid the obstacles that block your way. The in-game camera angle and short character distance add an extra layer of unfair difficulty to make the experience even more frustrating.
Pure background noise. I couldn’t tell you what happened after the game. After playing this game for so long (or rather, enduring it) I still wonder why it was made and who it was intended for. It’s not fun at all, it’s incredibly poorly designed, and being a Switch title, it doesn’t even have the Trophies or Achievements to give finalists a controversial reason for its existence.
Last block: 1,5

The pig’s head is now available for exchange.

Appears when the power is turned on.

A copy of the Main Pig was provided by the publisher.

Dim:

How to load…

Try it!

 

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